Staring at the Sun

Set myself up for a summer of ease
Burnt it all down whilst she said ‘please’
What a lovely place to sit
Sat on my throne
In a puddle of shit
Sat on my own
And I’m loving it
Anyway
Everything hurts
Everything’s numb
It’s all the same
Everything’s dumb
There’s nowhere to go
There’s nowhere to run
When staring at myself
Is like staring at the sun
When I’m hugging you
I’m staring at the door
I’m thinking about thinking
With scars in my eyes
From what I saw
Now I can see
I am blind, no more
You and me
We weren’t meant to be
And two plus two equals four

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Talk

I was raised on Vogue, microwave meals and cups of tea
I was told to lie, from mother to father
But I was told to tell the truth
When it came to me
Now I’m older
I still talk, I still lie
I talk to fill the void
When in reality
I’m a quiet guy
I’m a nervous guy
So I talk a lot
To girls who get annoyed
When in reality
They’re girls I shouldn’t talk to
They’re girls I should avoid
I should sleep now
I should get a job
Isn’t there a bank nearby that I could just rob?
No?
Can I talk myself out of this one?
Should I stop talking?
No?
Should I just leave?
Should I just go?

If I pretend I’m fine

Buy your clothes, look at the screen
Do anything you can to avoid your inner scream
I can hear the voices too, I know
But I’m on the right path you know I know
Someday I won’t ask you if I’m okay because you’ll know that I know
When I was a little boy I had a dream
I was the golden boy, we all know
But I didn’t know what it would all mean
I keep looking for the light in you but there’s darkness in me
So there’s no light for me to see
No perpetrators; no victims
When there’s no game; nobody wins
And I’m better than I’ve ever been before
But I still want what is not mine
My mind always wants more; more love more lust more time
The search for freedom will give me chains
But the search for self has no sign
And I know I’ll finally swallow the key;

If I pretend I’m fine

The End

Overdramatic while everything is static

Obsess and check my phone

Feels like I’m visiting a grave

Again and again and alone

Obsess, abscess, no I never got what I gave

Over think, no life line

I seem to do this every, single, time

God, I wish you were mine

But I’m talking about you as if it’s already over

And I’ll try not to meet you sober

But I say that for comfort, so I can pretend that I’m fine

I don’t even know you, but I have these stories in my head

I don’t even know you, but I’d already let you in my bed

Close to someone far, wanting something I can’t have

It’s hard to starve for food when you were never ever fed

Far from someone close, wanting love I never had

If she were free, interested I wouldn’t be

And she isn’t so my negative complex is glad

In the end

I’ll catastrophize and imagine the end, when there is no beginning

Why won’t these stories end?

Because the story of my future keeps losing to the story of my beginning

 

 

The concept of life

The concept of life
No one really told me
‘Poor me’
Guess I’ll start now
Parents have no idea, even less than me
I knew that since I was the age of three
I won’t take another row
With dad’s help
I got out on the back of education
Taught myself through the weekend the highest elevation
I taught myself everything I know,
With the help of you
I couldn’t say no
Staring out the window of a train
Maybe I’ll find the concept of life
Listening to my daydreams
Daydreaming of one day having a wife
Let’s see
Because if I don’t start loving myself
Who could love me?

Break in the line // Christmas Time

A break in the line.
Tell mum I’m fine,
One day I’ll be free.
Free from paying money to mend what she did to me,
But no,
No I won’t go,
I won’t be what you want me to be,
No I won’t drink the poison from this family tree,
Yes one day I’ll be free,
One day I’ll see what’s you and what’s me.
We’re incomplete. We’re unfinished business.
The four of us children.
Oh no, the six,
Left me outside half-broken but not to worry,
I found my fix,
It’s not the drug, the drink, that girl,
It’s the loving family I built to catch the plates that you’d hurl,
Don’t kiss me,
This time it’s on my terms,
Don’t miss me,
You left me with a head full of nightmares and a pocket full of worms,
Mummy, daddy, what really happened?
Why was every Christmas time always saddened?
Step-mum, step-down, step-wife,
You know he still loves her,
You never took control of your life,
You knew how broken we were,
Yet you still stare at us with eyes full of strife?
This family. This dynamic.
‘Throw those feelings in the attic’
Frightened to death, screaming, bad breath,
Friends couldn’t smell it so they called me dramatic,
Sat still, sat in fear, like a deer in the headlights, body all static, then boom.
I’d be free.
I could cope.
But nope.
There’s no hope in death, so I change myself for the better,
But if not for the better,
Then to find hope,
I hope.

Women Like Lines // My Anima

Women like lines
You do nothing for me, even when you try,
Maybe a shot of energy, a nice quick high,
But you’re no good for me, even though you’re what I need,
I’ll breath you in and fall in love,
I know you’re a sin, but there’s no Lord above,
You don’t meet my needs, my hungry stomach, your love never feeds,
But again, I’ll find myself on my knees, begging for more, another weekend, another tease, another sniff and again I’m poor,
Out to dinner, you’re crying again,
Your white darkness is alluring even then,
But I break, because the purpose of you is to equally feed me as I do you,
For gods sake, because mentally my mum was my daughter and it’ll be the same for you, no matter what I do,
Are you okay? Are you okay?
I check up on you,
Only to find out you want me to leave and to find someone new,
Trouble is, is that I try, and when you try you don’t do,
Trouble is, I am my father’s son and his blood is mine,
Half the pints are burning red but the blood he gave me was freezing blue, So I tell my father I’m fine.
So I’ll find another woman, another line.